As our December 24th "guess date" approached amidst the chaos of holiday cheer, we became super anxious to meet our rainbow baby. My last couple of appointments with Rosie and Colleen had us feeling like it was quite possible our baby would come before his/her guess date. I was having false labor/Braxton Hicks contractions for over a month and I had dropped considerably by the second week of December. Every time I passed a colleague in the hallways of school, I would get "WHOA! You've dropped!" or "I can't believe you're still here!" Deep down, I really didn't think I would make it through the last week of school before holiday break. In fact, I was REALLY surprised when that Monday, December 17th rolled around and I was still lugging around my big ol' belly. The days passed, one by one, and when Thursday, December 20th came (jam packed at school with a field trip to the movie theater and classroom party) I knew our baby was waiting for me to be "done" with that part of my life. I accepted the fact that I needed to be home, settled, RELAXED for him/her to decide it was time. In hind site, I'm thankful I was able to work up until Christmas break. It gave me the opportunity to experience my most favorite time of year with my first graders, elbow deep every day in festive learning activities and experiences. I was also able to give each of them a big squeeze and an "I love you" before I began a twelve week maternity leave. I left work on Thursday and had a few errands to run before I headed home. I walked out of Target and got into my car to see a beautiful rainbow in the sky above. Some people use the word "coincidence" to explain ironic occurrences in their lives...I don't believe in coincidences. I believe in God winks. That rainbow, yeah, that was a God wink. I had finished the work week before break, Christmas was upon us, and that rainbow was a God wink that spoke straight to my heart...our baby, our rainbow baby, was almost ready to join us.
When the weekend came and went, I was positive that our baby was waiting until after Christmas and I was totally fine with it. After all, it would be nice to enjoy the holidays as "planned" and how many babies actually come on their due dates anyway?! With a "guess date" of December 24th, it was very likely that our baby would be waiting until the days or weeks after...and I was good with that...until....
We woke up Christmas Eve morning and spent a nice morning at home. We headed over to my parents' house mid-afternoon, where we enjoyed a wonderful Christmas with our family. Then, we left for Bryan's parents' house around 5:30, where again, we had a very enjoyable evening with family. All day and evening, I.felt.nothing. No Braxton hicks, no tightening, no nausea, no pressure, no nothing. We got home late, around ten o' clock and got Ben to bed as quickly as we could. We skipped his bath (and honestly, we may have even skipped brushing his teeth, eew!) and jumped right to the important stuff---setting out cookies for Santa and carrots for the reindeer! Ben was asleep by nearly 11:00, when we decided it was "safe" for Santa to come. Soon after, we were crawling into bed, and I can remember going through my mental list in the last few minutes before I drifted to sleep...Did I set the camera out for the AM? Have to put the cheesy potatoes together....make coffee....
At 1:10 AM I woke up to use the bathroom and realized very quickly that it wasn't the urge to pee that woke me up, it was a contraction...a real one...an "oh em gee, we are going to have this baby today and there is nothing false about this" contraction. I didn't wake Bry right away, as I figured that if I wasn't going to sleep, he might as well. I spent the next couple of hours texting my cousin, Tracie (my soul sister, confidant, and inspiration for even having a home birth in the first place). The contractions came pretty steadily, about five minutes apart from the onset and lasting about a minute in duration. I sent a text to Rosie to give her a heads up that I was pretty confident this was "it" and I would keep her posted. At around 2:30, Bry rolled over and I whispered, " Are you awake?" He moaned a groggy "not really, why?" to which I answered, "I think we're having a baby today." He propped himself up on his pillows and I knew he wasn't going to be able to go back to sleep either. By about 3:00, my contractions were getting stronger. At 4:3o we decided it was time to let Rosie know things were getting more intense. I was breathing through each contraction, on my side with my knees drawn up, just picturing the moment I would meet my baby. I was really doing well and can remember thinking, "this isn't so bad, but boy, it's only the beginning." We made our way downstairs where I labored on the ball for a short time in the living room. Bry made coffee and turned on the lights for Rosie and Colleen. I wanted to labor downstairs until Ben woke up, but that didn't happen. I was so uncomfortable on the ball and had to get back in bed. My body and baby needed me on my side, so that's where I stayed for quite some time. Rosie arrived an hour after we called her and Colleen (midwife apprentice and doula) was close behind. **Side note: Do you know how guilty I felt for having a baby on CHRISTMAS?! I mean, who does that?! Nonetheless, Rosie and Colleen were amazing and despite my apologies, it was all good. Col woke her babies up at 5 AM to have their Christmas before she came...that made me feel a tad better at least.** By the time Rosie arrived, Bry had made our bed with the shower curtains and sheets and Ben woke up shortly after. This is one of my most treasured memories of laboring....
He came out of his room to see the four of us in our bedroom and gave a groggy "hi." Bry said, "Guess what, buddy? Our baby is coming today!" I think he replied with, "Oh, ok" and crawled into bed with me. At this point, I was closing my eyes, focusing on my breathing, and going to a different "place" with each contraction. Ben said, "Mommy, why are you breathing like that?" Once the contraction ended, I reminded him of the breathing and other funny noises I might make trying to help our baby out. He remembered our many talks and said, "Oh yeah, and it hurts a lil' bit, but you're okay." And I was...more than okay. In that moment, I had never been more at peace with our choice to have our baby at home. There were no tubes running into me, no beeping noises, no florescent lights, no hospital "smell," no watch for the nurses to base my progress on. Instead, I was in my own bed, on soft, clean sheets with my baby boy snuggled next to me. We both had our Christmas jammies on, my Scentsys had "Christmas Cottage" and "Snowberry" melting, and we were just, for lack of a better term, "hanging out."
We had planned for my sister to come and be with Ben once things were really going. I don't remember exactly when she arrived, but I think it was around 6 or 7. Bry started filling the pool, which proved to be a long, tedious task. Our hot water tank was drained pretty early on, something we were really surprised by, so pots of hot water on the stove it was! Rosie was encouraging me to stay on my hands and knees, or at least upright, which I knew would help things along. The one thing I was most excited about in anticipation of being home was not being confined to a dumb bed in a flat position and here I was, WANTING to be in bed...it is amazing how your body will overrule any "plans" you may have. I got onto my knees next to the bed, bent over with my arms and head resting on the side of the bed. It was then that I became really nauseous and dizzy, I remember telling Rosie I felt like I was going to pass out. She gave me a homeopathic and Colleen was changing ice cold washcloths on my neck and forehead every few minutes. I sipped on some water and ate a few slices of orange. That feeling went away after awhile (notice I have totally NO idea of any time frames---I went to a different "place" and the minutes and hours just became one big cloudy mess.) Looking back, I think this may have been transition...but I can't be sure. I didn't throw up or get bone chilling contractions, but transition is different for every woman, so who knows.
Rosie asked if I wanted to get in the pool and I really wasn't sure if I did. (I think I wanted to get back in my bed to be honest! :) But once I was in the pool---oh.my.gosh. was I happy I did. The water was so warm and instantly comforting. When people say water is a natural anesthetic, boy are they right. I felt weightless, and it made it very easy to relax and let my body do its work. I think I was in the pool for quite some time and Rosie kept encouraging me to lean on my side, but I just wasn't having it. I really tried a few times, but I kept finding myself reclined on my back. At some point, I wanted to know how far I was. A part of me knew I was getting really close to meeting my baby. I could feel my cervix was open, really open...craziest feeling ever. I asked Rosie how far she thought I was. She said I had been laboring for awhile and I was probably making a lot of progress. She offered to check me, and I had to talk it out before I said yes. Part of me wanted to know how "far" I was, but there was still a part of me that didn't want to hear "5 cm" and be "let down." I was still convincing myself that it wasn't "that bad" yet, and it was going to get much more painful and intense before I was fully dilated. I decided I wanted to know, because deep down, I think I knew it was close. She checked and I was full dilated on one side and almost complete on my left, about an 8. She encouraged me (again, HA) to lay on my side, and again, I was having nothing to do with it. The pressure was too much on my knees or side and as much as my mind wanted me to stay upright or on my side, my body was totally against it. I was sleeping in between contractions, something I didn't even think was possible until it was happening to me. At what I think was almost 9:00, I got REALLY hot all of a sudden. A major hot flash washed over me out of nowhere and I moved quick to get the heck out of that pool. Rosie had me try to empty my bladder and said, "why don't you sit for awhile"... HA, funny...I think that lasted, oh, maybe 60 seconds. One thing I learned about myself through this experience is that while I'm a rule following, do as you're told, compliant person, all of that goes out the window when I'm in labor. Even more, that's OKAY. Rosie didn't get irritated or mad, in fact, I think she actually laughed at me. :) She trusted me, she trusted my body, she let ME decide what I needed to do and what position I needed to be in. In a hospital, I would have ticked off some control freak nurses and doctors and I guarantee I wouldn't have felt safe and free to do what I needed to do.
Needless to say, I made a B-line for my bed and got back into my side laying, knees up position. It wasn't long after, that I felt the need to push. But it wasn't a major "PUSH" as it happens in the hospital. No one was telling me when to push, or counting, or telling me to start or stop...I just felt a little pressure and let my body do the rest. With that first little push, my water blew. No, it didn't "break," it didn't "rupture," it didn't "leak"----it BLEW. Bry likes to say it was as if the baby threw a water balloon across the bed, LOL. There was mecomium in my water, so Col and Rosie were quick to check baby's heart rate. Babe was perfect and while I'll admit I was a tad nervous to see the meconium, I never panicked or got scared. I asked Bry to go get my mom at some point, who was downstairs. In the months, weeks, and days leading up to the birth, I never had a set plan for who I wanted there. I was content with making a "game day" decision based on how I was feeling. I'm grateful my parents are only a short fifteen minutes drive away, because sure enough, I wanted my mommy. Not because I was in pain, not because I was scared, but because some miracles just require Mom. With a few more pushes, our baby was here. That moment was euphoric and I don't have the words to explain how amazing it all was. Time froze as I held my baby on my chest. Bry untucked the towel to see if we had a boy or girl and when he said, 'It's a girl!' I was surprised, but not really...part of me truly "knew" it was a girl the last trimester or so, but I was still overwhelmed with finally meeting HER, and not just "my baby."
The minutes and hours that followed were just as perfect as the labor and birth. After lots of skin-to-skin, Bry had a chance to hold Ava and my sister and mom did, too. My mom made me a poached egg on toast and I had a cup of coffee. Meanwhile, the pool was being drained and put away, the sheets and towels were being washed, Ben was downstairs playing with my sister, and I had no clue.... I was absorbed in a dream. I showered after a couple hours and I remember laughing out loud in the shower to Colleen, thinking and saying, "Really?!" I felt amazing. I had no tears and no soreness. I felt like I could go out and run a marathon. I couldn't (and still can't) wrap my mind around the fact that I had been up since one in the morning, had labored for eight hours, and had JUST had a baby. I remember thinking it had to be illegal to feel THAT good. After I showered, I got back into our bed that had been made with fresh, clean sheets. Rosie did Ava's newborn exam and after that, well.....
Merry Christmas! Rosie and Colleen took off around 1:00 and we came downstairs to have our Christmas. Ben had been SO patient all morning and was ready to tear into the goods Santa left. I sat in the recliner with Ava with a hot cup of coffee and took pictures of Ben. That was the most bizarre, dream-like part of it all...sitting there, with my perfect baby girl in my arms, watching the excitement and joy in my baby boy's eyes. It was too much for one day, for one heart to handle...but it was perfect. And it was December 25...not just Christmas, but my grandpa's birthday. Coincidence? Nope, another God wink for sure, but I like to call that one a "Grumpy wink." Some have remarked what a bummer it is that Ava's birthday is on Christmas, but I think it's pretty perfect.
Grumpy and Ash
He sure did love the sunshine.
Ava will be seven weeks old tomorrow and I'm still on cloud nine...still replaying that day in my mind, hoping and praying I never forget the tiniest of details. People have asked many questions, and I respect the curiosity. Was I ever scared or nervous something would go wrong? Not all all. We were 100% confident in our choice to home birth and educated ourselves. I was more scared and nervous of the possibility to have to transfer to the hospital. Did it hurt? Ya know, no. It was painful, but it didn't hurt. I don't know how to explain it... I kept waiting for it to get worse, to reach that "What the heck was I thinking, give me some drugs" moment, but I didn't. When it was time to actually give birth and I knew the hardest work was done, I thought, "Really? That was IT?" No, I don't have some super, crazy high pain threshold and no I'm not sugarcoating it. Any woman who feels supported, comforted, and safe and accepts birth as a natural, normal process as opposed to a medical emergency will likely say that.
Home birth is not for everyone. But neither is hospital birth. I hope that as time goes on, more women will be empowered to have the birth they want. There is something so primal about the way a woman's mind and body just know what to do, without fancy equipment or medicine. There is certainly a time and place for medicine when it comes to pregnancy and birth, and so many women require the resources and support only an obstetrician and hospital can provide. But, regardless of where a woman gives birth and whether it's with a midwife or obstetrician, she must possess the confidence. Every pregnancy is different, every baby is different, every body is different, so it only makes sense that every birth is different, too. I was given a gift to travel to the depths of my being that Christmas morning and it couldn't have been more perfect if we tried.
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| Ava's Birth Slideshow Click here to view this video |
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